I've been having trouble keeping my mouth shut.
I wish I remembered how to keep certain thoughts to myself which is currently something I seem incapable of doing. It is something I wish I could fix, maybe I'll just disconnect from the world. No cellphone, no computer, no human contact. That should about do it. I'll only be able to share my thoughts with myself then. Yeah, that sounds about right. No one needs to hear them except for myself anyway. That's the only person their hurting. If only they were normal thoughts and hurt the people I share them with, but they aren't. Apparently the only person they are out to get is me, which doesn't seem very fair, after all they are my thoughts. It isn't fair of them to hurt their creator, I mean without me they wouldn't even be here in the 1st place. Maybe the best idea is to stop creating thoughts. I'll go into a vegetative state like someone in a coma. But some people say that even if you're in a coma you brain is still partially active, and you still produce thoughts. So I guess I'm stuck thinking for now.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
19 Days
In a matter of 19 days my life will have a complete and massive change. A change of 790 miles, and a one hour time difference. A change of area and zip code. A change in every sense of the word.
In a matter of 19 days, I move.
Every night for the past week I've thought about moving and everything that will happen because of it. I'm not even gone yet and I can already feel things falling apart. I'm so excited to move and start a completely new life, where no one knows anything about me. But I'm so terrified to lose everything I've built up in the past four years. I know the things that are stronger enough will last far past the 4 years that I will be 790 miles away from home, but what about the things that are relatively new or the things that seem to be on the rocks.
I just wish I knew how to handle such a incredible change. I don't.
In a matter of 19 days, I move.
Every night for the past week I've thought about moving and everything that will happen because of it. I'm not even gone yet and I can already feel things falling apart. I'm so excited to move and start a completely new life, where no one knows anything about me. But I'm so terrified to lose everything I've built up in the past four years. I know the things that are stronger enough will last far past the 4 years that I will be 790 miles away from home, but what about the things that are relatively new or the things that seem to be on the rocks.
I just wish I knew how to handle such a incredible change. I don't.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Vulnerability
Being vulnerable and putting your mind and body in someone else's hands can be both a terrifying and liberating situation to put ones self in. You never know what the other person is capable of doing once they grab a hold of you. You have placed yourself and your emotions in their hands. You have given them your trust and now they can do as they please with it.
That is what can make it frightening or liberating. If the person betrays and abuses your trust, you can end up getting hurt. But if the person remains trust worthy you'll end up happy and with your heart intact. It is impossible to know how it will turn out.
Not knowing what the outcome could be is what makes deciding whether or not to expose yourself tough decision. Now if you do choose to do so, you have to prepare for the worst possible outcome. Make sure you are ready for the person you share with to take advantage of you at your weakest state. This is what I did not do. I exposed too much of my mind and body and the same was not done in return.
I cannot say I have learned my lesson though, I continue to do it countless times. I do it even though I know the outcome will remain the same time after time. It might be the hope that you might act differently this time. That you won't put your hands in your head and tell me I am "too much" and how you know I do these things on purpose. Maybe this time you'll push yourself to the same limits I have pushed myself too, that this time you'll make yourself vulnerable too.
Vulnerability sucks.
That is what can make it frightening or liberating. If the person betrays and abuses your trust, you can end up getting hurt. But if the person remains trust worthy you'll end up happy and with your heart intact. It is impossible to know how it will turn out.
Not knowing what the outcome could be is what makes deciding whether or not to expose yourself tough decision. Now if you do choose to do so, you have to prepare for the worst possible outcome. Make sure you are ready for the person you share with to take advantage of you at your weakest state. This is what I did not do. I exposed too much of my mind and body and the same was not done in return.
I cannot say I have learned my lesson though, I continue to do it countless times. I do it even though I know the outcome will remain the same time after time. It might be the hope that you might act differently this time. That you won't put your hands in your head and tell me I am "too much" and how you know I do these things on purpose. Maybe this time you'll push yourself to the same limits I have pushed myself too, that this time you'll make yourself vulnerable too.
Vulnerability sucks.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
50/50
For the past three months or so, since I decided I would attend college 12 hours away from home, I have been hesitant about leaving. I feared leaving so many people behind, people who I have look to on a daily basis for comfort and so much more. I've spent hours thinking about how much I am going to miss certain people. These people know I will miss, them and they say they will miss me as well. But in all honesty I don't think they will. It unsettles me to think about it. It makes me wonder how much of everything people say is true.
50% percent of what people say when they are "joking" is true. So is 50% of what people say when they are being "honest" a lie.
I'm glad to be leaving some of these people behind.
50% percent of what people say when they are "joking" is true. So is 50% of what people say when they are being "honest" a lie.
I'm glad to be leaving some of these people behind.
Monday, June 9, 2008
The Pit Of Despair
I remember once in grammar school my english teacher showed us the movie "The Princess Bride". It tells the story of a farm girl and a farm boy Wesley. I always recall three things from this movie.
1. All Wesley would ever say to the farm girl was "As you wish"
2. "Hello My name in Ingio Montaya, you killed my father prepare to die."
3. And the Pit of Despair that Prince Humperdink throws Wesley into.
But The Pit Of Despair always makes me think of the nervous, happy sensation you get in your stomach. The sensation when you smile and the smile travels through your entire body and sends tiny little drivers off the diving board in your stomach. This is a feeling you don't experience all too often, but when you do you can't seem to decide if you enjoy it or not.
It starts off as a nauseous feeling, and you feel like you might vomit in your mouth. But then the nausea changes to this tingling feeling like when your foot falls asleep. You hate the feeling of your foot falling asleep but you don't mind it so much when it is traveling through your entire body. It makes you smile more than what gave you the feeling to begin with, maybe even giggle a little bit.
Now, since you don't get this feeling on a regular basis so you know when it happens there has to be a legitimate reason behind it even if you may not know it at the time. It's happened before when you talk to some you really like, or when you are about to tell someone something big. You don't know why this time, all he said was you were cute. Not a big deal, so why do you feel like this?
You've sat there for hours trying to figure out why and every time he something else it happens again. You also haven't stopped smiling for hours and your cheeks are starting to get a little sore, so you put on a frown and try not to look at him. It doesn't work though cause he says something cute and witty again, and the smile creeps back on to your face.
You're trapped in the feeling and you are never going to get free. Just blame him, it's a lot easier than finding the real reason.
1. All Wesley would ever say to the farm girl was "As you wish"
2. "Hello My name in Ingio Montaya, you killed my father prepare to die."
3. And the Pit of Despair that Prince Humperdink throws Wesley into.
But The Pit Of Despair always makes me think of the nervous, happy sensation you get in your stomach. The sensation when you smile and the smile travels through your entire body and sends tiny little drivers off the diving board in your stomach. This is a feeling you don't experience all too often, but when you do you can't seem to decide if you enjoy it or not.
It starts off as a nauseous feeling, and you feel like you might vomit in your mouth. But then the nausea changes to this tingling feeling like when your foot falls asleep. You hate the feeling of your foot falling asleep but you don't mind it so much when it is traveling through your entire body. It makes you smile more than what gave you the feeling to begin with, maybe even giggle a little bit.
Now, since you don't get this feeling on a regular basis so you know when it happens there has to be a legitimate reason behind it even if you may not know it at the time. It's happened before when you talk to some you really like, or when you are about to tell someone something big. You don't know why this time, all he said was you were cute. Not a big deal, so why do you feel like this?
You've sat there for hours trying to figure out why and every time he something else it happens again. You also haven't stopped smiling for hours and your cheeks are starting to get a little sore, so you put on a frown and try not to look at him. It doesn't work though cause he says something cute and witty again, and the smile creeps back on to your face.
You're trapped in the feeling and you are never going to get free. Just blame him, it's a lot easier than finding the real reason.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I have found that escaping ones past is totally and completely impossible. Situations, crushes, friends, everything comes back around, no matter how far you try to run from it. I've constantly been told to let go of past and look to the future, to better and brighter days. So I do let go, but I guess not fully because you are one person that always comes back to me.
There have been countless replacements but you always blow them right out of the water. Somewhere in my mind, there is pedestal and I seem to have placed you upon for all eternity. I have taken you down from it numerous times, but some how when I am not paying attention you seem to crawl back up on to it. You're the person I always seem to compare others to, but no one seems to be quite is good as you. You are the highest standard I have.
I can't take having you on this imaginary pedestal, so I have decided I am going to stop talking to you for while. I know this plan is never going to work because I have tried it too many times. Either I'll cave in minutes into deciding that I won't talk to you or I'll be going strong and not thinking about you. But you will begin to wonder why I haven't spoken to you in a week, you don't know it is because I deleted from my buddy list and cell phone and vowed I wouldn't contact you. Since you don't know this you IM me one night saying that you miss me or asking me if I'm upset with you.
I am upset with you, but for no legitimate reason, so I tell you I am not. And I miss you do, but I have recently trained myself never to let you know that. You make it impossible for me to let go and move on like everyone including you tells me to. You on the other hand have no problem replacing me and you do on a monthly basis.
I'm starting to get used to you having someone else in your life and that person not being me. Mainly because I know you will replace that person soon enough despite how serious you make the relationship sound. It is always the same thing, and it is becoming a routine for me and I like routine.
I guess that is exactly what our relationship is, a routine. You always come back around. It is impossible to escape you.
There have been countless replacements but you always blow them right out of the water. Somewhere in my mind, there is pedestal and I seem to have placed you upon for all eternity. I have taken you down from it numerous times, but some how when I am not paying attention you seem to crawl back up on to it. You're the person I always seem to compare others to, but no one seems to be quite is good as you. You are the highest standard I have.
I can't take having you on this imaginary pedestal, so I have decided I am going to stop talking to you for while. I know this plan is never going to work because I have tried it too many times. Either I'll cave in minutes into deciding that I won't talk to you or I'll be going strong and not thinking about you. But you will begin to wonder why I haven't spoken to you in a week, you don't know it is because I deleted from my buddy list and cell phone and vowed I wouldn't contact you. Since you don't know this you IM me one night saying that you miss me or asking me if I'm upset with you.
I am upset with you, but for no legitimate reason, so I tell you I am not. And I miss you do, but I have recently trained myself never to let you know that. You make it impossible for me to let go and move on like everyone including you tells me to. You on the other hand have no problem replacing me and you do on a monthly basis.
I'm starting to get used to you having someone else in your life and that person not being me. Mainly because I know you will replace that person soon enough despite how serious you make the relationship sound. It is always the same thing, and it is becoming a routine for me and I like routine.
I guess that is exactly what our relationship is, a routine. You always come back around. It is impossible to escape you.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
This Town Really Gets To Me.
Not so much this town, but the Tri-State Area.
And a lot of the people who reside in the tri-state area, New Jersey to be more specific. I really don't know how to react to people's mood swings and attitude changes anymore. It is so frustrating not being able to understand the reason someone is the way they are. Waiting for people to come around requires much more patience than I have in my entire body, and I don't know how much longer I can wait for people to do so. If we are friends don't leaving me hanging, I'd like to be clued it from time to time for the reasons you at they way you do. I feel as it gets closer to me leaving for college the relationships I thought had become so close this year are falling apart. I wish that they could have at least waited till I was 12 hours away rather than 30 minutes to fall apart. I really wish I had the ability to let go of the relationships, and let certain people go, but it is so much harder that I could have ever imagined.
Deleting you from my buddy list, and ending all contact with you as of now.
Not because I hate you, because I don't want to keep you down anymore.
And a lot of the people who reside in the tri-state area, New Jersey to be more specific. I really don't know how to react to people's mood swings and attitude changes anymore. It is so frustrating not being able to understand the reason someone is the way they are. Waiting for people to come around requires much more patience than I have in my entire body, and I don't know how much longer I can wait for people to do so. If we are friends don't leaving me hanging, I'd like to be clued it from time to time for the reasons you at they way you do. I feel as it gets closer to me leaving for college the relationships I thought had become so close this year are falling apart. I wish that they could have at least waited till I was 12 hours away rather than 30 minutes to fall apart. I really wish I had the ability to let go of the relationships, and let certain people go, but it is so much harder that I could have ever imagined.
Deleting you from my buddy list, and ending all contact with you as of now.
Not because I hate you, because I don't want to keep you down anymore.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Gone in the Blink of an Eye
Officially tomorrow is my last day of high school.
It is so cliche to say that high school is the best time of your life and it goes by in the blink of an eye. I won't say that high school has been the best time of my life, it sure has been amazing, but I'm sure it hasn't been the best. It has gone by in the in the blink of an eye though and this especially. I have met so many amazing people in these fours years and I have changed so much.
If you would have met me as a freshman in high school I would have not said a word to you and been content sitting in the corner keeping to myself. I am still not the most outgoing person, but I have broken out of myself and learned to be happy with myself the way I am at the moment.
I've meet people that have become so comfortable around in this year alone. I have become so close with them and am so terribly sad to have to leave them all so soon. I guess that is the way the world works as soon as you become comfortable it just goes and changes everything that is familiar.
Well in about 2 months I'll be gone to Chicago for the next four years, home for breaks.
It is so cliche to say that high school is the best time of your life and it goes by in the blink of an eye. I won't say that high school has been the best time of my life, it sure has been amazing, but I'm sure it hasn't been the best. It has gone by in the in the blink of an eye though and this especially. I have met so many amazing people in these fours years and I have changed so much.
If you would have met me as a freshman in high school I would have not said a word to you and been content sitting in the corner keeping to myself. I am still not the most outgoing person, but I have broken out of myself and learned to be happy with myself the way I am at the moment.
I've meet people that have become so comfortable around in this year alone. I have become so close with them and am so terribly sad to have to leave them all so soon. I guess that is the way the world works as soon as you become comfortable it just goes and changes everything that is familiar.
Well in about 2 months I'll be gone to Chicago for the next four years, home for breaks.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Make an effort,
It seems to me lately that people are not capable of putting effort into a relationship. And I don't mean a romantic relationship, just friendships. I'm sure romantic relationships too, but I wouldn't know that.
I just feel like people can only do things for themselves. I know I do it too, but I really to attempt to but effort into relationships even if I don't do it all the time. I gets so aggravating making attempts to be a good friend to someone but having them completely disregard everything you do and every attempt you make. I realize life gets complicated and stressful sometimes but I cannot consider that an excuse for someone disregarding a friend. Friends should be the ones you turn to, no? They are the people who are supposed to be there for you in these times, and I am here for my friends. I just feel like maybe they don't consider friends enough to talk to me.
It is becoming a waste of time just to make an attempt. Maybe I shouldn't make an attempt and wait for you. But then I know if I don't bother making an attempt in a week you will IM me and question why I've stopped talking to you. You'll think I am mad at you and ask me if I am, I just won't have to nerve to tell you how much it hurts me that you can't answer an IM or a text message.
I should probably stop stressing over it and just let the situation run it's course, but I don't know if I can do it.
At least the good people are amazing and completely make up for people who don't seem to care enough. They are the reason I can actually manage to stay happy and love my life as much as I do. I'm so completely thankful for them.
I just feel like people can only do things for themselves. I know I do it too, but I really to attempt to but effort into relationships even if I don't do it all the time. I gets so aggravating making attempts to be a good friend to someone but having them completely disregard everything you do and every attempt you make. I realize life gets complicated and stressful sometimes but I cannot consider that an excuse for someone disregarding a friend. Friends should be the ones you turn to, no? They are the people who are supposed to be there for you in these times, and I am here for my friends. I just feel like maybe they don't consider friends enough to talk to me.
It is becoming a waste of time just to make an attempt. Maybe I shouldn't make an attempt and wait for you. But then I know if I don't bother making an attempt in a week you will IM me and question why I've stopped talking to you. You'll think I am mad at you and ask me if I am, I just won't have to nerve to tell you how much it hurts me that you can't answer an IM or a text message.
I should probably stop stressing over it and just let the situation run it's course, but I don't know if I can do it.
At least the good people are amazing and completely make up for people who don't seem to care enough. They are the reason I can actually manage to stay happy and love my life as much as I do. I'm so completely thankful for them.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
This has been
nonexistent for a while, maybe it is time to start it up again.
This past month has been something else, lots of surprises. Things are changing and part of me loves it while the other part is so scared. I've moved from one person to the next then to the next again. This choice is pretty good, but the 1st one is good too. But there are so many choices and choices make everything harder in the end. I guess that is what growing up is all about making choices, I am so not ready for college.
This past month has been something else, lots of surprises. Things are changing and part of me loves it while the other part is so scared. I've moved from one person to the next then to the next again. This choice is pretty good, but the 1st one is good too. But there are so many choices and choices make everything harder in the end. I guess that is what growing up is all about making choices, I am so not ready for college.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
You've got
my head spinning heart beating out my chest.
So I haven't really posted anything here in a while, but I have so much going on in my head. It is mainly about one person & that is what is driving me out of my mind. There are a million things running through my mind at any moment of the day but for the past two weeks the millions of things are all about them. All the attempts I make to get them out of my thoughts fail. I don't even know what to do since everything fails.
So I haven't really posted anything here in a while, but I have so much going on in my head. It is mainly about one person & that is what is driving me out of my mind. There are a million things running through my mind at any moment of the day but for the past two weeks the millions of things are all about them. All the attempts I make to get them out of my thoughts fail. I don't even know what to do since everything fails.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
I can't help but
think that I might be setting myself up to be let down.
There is a part of me that is so worried that things will end up the way they always seem to. I guess I am just so used to things working out a certain way that I can't help but think it will be the same again. It is like it is too good to be true.
Then there is the other part of me that thinks after constant let down I really need this to happen. Ugh, I don't even know.
There is a part of me that is so worried that things will end up the way they always seem to. I guess I am just so used to things working out a certain way that I can't help but think it will be the same again. It is like it is too good to be true.
Then there is the other part of me that thinks after constant let down I really need this to happen. Ugh, I don't even know.
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