Vulnerability

Being vulnerable and putting your mind and body in someone else's hands can be both a terrifying and liberating situation to put ones self in. You never know what the other person is capable of doing once they grab a hold of you. You have placed yourself and your emotions in their hands. You have given them your trust and now they can do as they please with it.

That is what can make it frightening or liberating. If the person betrays and abuses your trust, you can end up getting hurt. But if the person remains trust worthy you'll end up happy and with your heart intact. It is impossible to know how it will turn out.

Not knowing what the outcome could be is what makes deciding whether or not to expose yourself tough decision. Now if you do choose to do so, you have to prepare for the worst possible outcome. Make sure you are ready for the person you share with to take advantage of you at your weakest state. This is what I did not do. I exposed too much of my mind and body and the same was not done in return.

I cannot say I have learned my lesson though, I continue to do it countless times. I do it even though I know the outcome will remain the same time after time. It might be the hope that you might act differently this time. That you won't put your hands in your head and tell me I am "too much" and how you know I do these things on purpose. Maybe this time you'll push yourself to the same limits I have pushed myself too, that this time you'll make yourself vulnerable too.

Vulnerability sucks.

50/50

For the past three months or so, since I decided I would attend college 12 hours away from home, I have been hesitant about leaving. I feared leaving so many people behind, people who I have look to on a daily basis for comfort and so much more. I've spent hours thinking about how much I am going to miss certain people. These people know I will miss, them and they say they will miss me as well. But in all honesty I don't think they will. It unsettles me to think about it. It makes me wonder how much of everything people say is true.

50% percent of what people say when they are "joking" is true. So is 50% of what people say when they are being "honest" a lie.



I'm glad to be leaving some of these people behind.

The Pit Of Despair

I remember once in grammar school my english teacher showed us the movie "The Princess Bride". It tells the story of a farm girl and a farm boy Wesley. I always recall three things from this movie.

1. All Wesley would ever say to the farm girl was "As you wish"
2. "Hello My name in Ingio Montaya, you killed my father prepare to die."
3. And the Pit of Despair that Prince Humperdink throws Wesley into.

But The Pit Of Despair always makes me think of the nervous, happy sensation you get in your stomach. The sensation when you smile and the smile travels through your entire body and sends tiny little drivers off the diving board in your stomach. This is a feeling you don't experience all too often, but when you do you can't seem to decide if you enjoy it or not.

It starts off as a nauseous feeling, and you feel like you might vomit in your mouth. But then the nausea changes to this tingling feeling like when your foot falls asleep. You hate the feeling of your foot falling asleep but you don't mind it so much when it is traveling through your entire body. It makes you smile more than what gave you the feeling to begin with, maybe even giggle a little bit.

Now, since you don't get this feeling on a regular basis so you know when it happens there has to be a legitimate reason behind it even if you may not know it at the time. It's happened before when you talk to some you really like, or when you are about to tell someone something big. You don't know why this time, all he said was you were cute. Not a big deal, so why do you feel like this?

You've sat there for hours trying to figure out why and every time he something else it happens again. You also haven't stopped smiling for hours and your cheeks are starting to get a little sore, so you put on a frown and try not to look at him. It doesn't work though cause he says something cute and witty again, and the smile creeps back on to your face.

You're trapped in the feeling and you are never going to get free. Just blame him, it's a lot easier than finding the real reason.

I have found that escaping ones past is totally and completely impossible. Situations, crushes, friends, everything comes back around, no matter how far you try to run from it. I've constantly been told to let go of past and look to the future, to better and brighter days. So I do let go, but I guess not fully because you are one person that always comes back to me.

There have been countless replacements but you always blow them right out of the water. Somewhere in my mind, there is pedestal and I seem to have placed you upon for all eternity. I have taken you down from it numerous times, but some how when I am not paying attention you seem to crawl back up on to it. You're the person I always seem to compare others to, but no one seems to be quite is good as you. You are the highest standard I have.

I can't take having you on this imaginary pedestal, so I have decided I am going to stop talking to you for while. I know this plan is never going to work because I have tried it too many times. Either I'll cave in minutes into deciding that I won't talk to you or I'll be going strong and not thinking about you. But you will begin to wonder why I haven't spoken to you in a week, you don't know it is because I deleted from my buddy list and cell phone and vowed I wouldn't contact you. Since you don't know this you IM me one night saying that you miss me or asking me if I'm upset with you.

I am upset with you, but for no legitimate reason, so I tell you I am not. And I miss you do, but I have recently trained myself never to let you know that. You make it impossible for me to let go and move on like everyone including you tells me to. You on the other hand have no problem replacing me and you do on a monthly basis.

I'm starting to get used to you having someone else in your life and that person not being me. Mainly because I know you will replace that person soon enough despite how serious you make the relationship sound. It is always the same thing, and it is becoming a routine for me and I like routine.



I guess that is exactly what our relationship is, a routine. You always come back around. It is impossible to escape you.