I've been thinking about you a lot today, more than I have the past few weeks. It was silly of me to think that I could replace you easily. It's not a simple task and it is proving to be harder than I thought it would be. Even though you're still in my life, just a little bit, you're around. It makes me feel a lot better. Things may not be exactly as comfortable or good as they used to be but I like knowing that when I really need to hear from you, you'll answer me. You're always going to mean so much to me and I can only hope that I've meant as much to you. I'm only going to post this here because I know I'll be the only one to read and it's better that way.

I cannot recall a time when I've missed someone so much. It's been over a week since we've spoken and I know something is missing. I haven't heard you comforting words, your pointless stories that and insignificant to me, your waking me with a "Good morning beautiful". I don't know when you'll be coming back to me and if you ever will be for that matter, so I have been forced to find things to occupy my time with. I can't sit by my phone all day because I know I won't hear from you. I've been sleeping a lot more, hoping to run away from things that way, but I'm only reminded of the fact you're not around when I wake up up without being contacted from you. I do more work now, put away my phone and computer and just work. But I'm finding it takes less time that I expect and am soon back to waiting to hear from you. I've been talking to others hoping maybe one will fill the void that you left, but they don't stick around, not like you did. You stuck around for everything, longer than anyone, but then you decided to up and leave like everyone I told you has.

I asked you to make me one promise when we decided to head on this adventure, and soon after the journey started you broke your promise. You didn't know on purpose, I know this, but it still hurt. I've forgiven you even though you haven't apologized. I want you back around even though you'll never really be here. I want you to be happy and for your life to be carefree no matter what. But I often wonder, what about me? When do I get to be happy and carefree? I am incredibly happy with my life but I only have myself to thank for that. I want to feel the happiness that comes from another. That's what I've been wanting for a while.

You will continue to be the person who makes me feel that happiness, not forever, but for a while. I'm not in love with you although it sounds as though I am. I'm happy that I have had the chance to have you in my life because I've realized so many things while you were around. I know you will come back for a different journey perhaps this time, that's all I want, you to be around.

For always being so shy

I've been having trouble keeping my mouth shut.


I wish I remembered how to keep certain thoughts to myself which is currently something I seem incapable of doing. It is something I wish I could fix, maybe I'll just disconnect from the world. No cellphone, no computer, no human contact. That should about do it. I'll only be able to share my thoughts with myself then. Yeah, that sounds about right. No one needs to hear them except for myself anyway. That's the only person their hurting. If only they were normal thoughts and hurt the people I share them with, but they aren't. Apparently the only person they are out to get is me, which doesn't seem very fair, after all they are my thoughts. It isn't fair of them to hurt their creator, I mean without me they wouldn't even be here in the 1st place. Maybe the best idea is to stop creating thoughts. I'll go into a vegetative state like someone in a coma. But some people say that even if you're in a coma you brain is still partially active, and you still produce thoughts. So I guess I'm stuck thinking for now.

19 Days

In a matter of 19 days my life will have a complete and massive change. A change of 790 miles, and a one hour time difference. A change of area and zip code. A change in every sense of the word.


In a matter of 19 days, I move.


Every night for the past week I've thought about moving and everything that will happen because of it. I'm not even gone yet and I can already feel things falling apart. I'm so excited to move and start a completely new life, where no one knows anything about me. But I'm so terrified to lose everything I've built up in the past four years. I know the things that are stronger enough will last far past the 4 years that I will be 790 miles away from home, but what about the things that are relatively new or the things that seem to be on the rocks.

I just wish I knew how to handle such a incredible change. I don't.

Vulnerability

Being vulnerable and putting your mind and body in someone else's hands can be both a terrifying and liberating situation to put ones self in. You never know what the other person is capable of doing once they grab a hold of you. You have placed yourself and your emotions in their hands. You have given them your trust and now they can do as they please with it.

That is what can make it frightening or liberating. If the person betrays and abuses your trust, you can end up getting hurt. But if the person remains trust worthy you'll end up happy and with your heart intact. It is impossible to know how it will turn out.

Not knowing what the outcome could be is what makes deciding whether or not to expose yourself tough decision. Now if you do choose to do so, you have to prepare for the worst possible outcome. Make sure you are ready for the person you share with to take advantage of you at your weakest state. This is what I did not do. I exposed too much of my mind and body and the same was not done in return.

I cannot say I have learned my lesson though, I continue to do it countless times. I do it even though I know the outcome will remain the same time after time. It might be the hope that you might act differently this time. That you won't put your hands in your head and tell me I am "too much" and how you know I do these things on purpose. Maybe this time you'll push yourself to the same limits I have pushed myself too, that this time you'll make yourself vulnerable too.

Vulnerability sucks.

50/50

For the past three months or so, since I decided I would attend college 12 hours away from home, I have been hesitant about leaving. I feared leaving so many people behind, people who I have look to on a daily basis for comfort and so much more. I've spent hours thinking about how much I am going to miss certain people. These people know I will miss, them and they say they will miss me as well. But in all honesty I don't think they will. It unsettles me to think about it. It makes me wonder how much of everything people say is true.

50% percent of what people say when they are "joking" is true. So is 50% of what people say when they are being "honest" a lie.



I'm glad to be leaving some of these people behind.

The Pit Of Despair

I remember once in grammar school my english teacher showed us the movie "The Princess Bride". It tells the story of a farm girl and a farm boy Wesley. I always recall three things from this movie.

1. All Wesley would ever say to the farm girl was "As you wish"
2. "Hello My name in Ingio Montaya, you killed my father prepare to die."
3. And the Pit of Despair that Prince Humperdink throws Wesley into.

But The Pit Of Despair always makes me think of the nervous, happy sensation you get in your stomach. The sensation when you smile and the smile travels through your entire body and sends tiny little drivers off the diving board in your stomach. This is a feeling you don't experience all too often, but when you do you can't seem to decide if you enjoy it or not.

It starts off as a nauseous feeling, and you feel like you might vomit in your mouth. But then the nausea changes to this tingling feeling like when your foot falls asleep. You hate the feeling of your foot falling asleep but you don't mind it so much when it is traveling through your entire body. It makes you smile more than what gave you the feeling to begin with, maybe even giggle a little bit.

Now, since you don't get this feeling on a regular basis so you know when it happens there has to be a legitimate reason behind it even if you may not know it at the time. It's happened before when you talk to some you really like, or when you are about to tell someone something big. You don't know why this time, all he said was you were cute. Not a big deal, so why do you feel like this?

You've sat there for hours trying to figure out why and every time he something else it happens again. You also haven't stopped smiling for hours and your cheeks are starting to get a little sore, so you put on a frown and try not to look at him. It doesn't work though cause he says something cute and witty again, and the smile creeps back on to your face.

You're trapped in the feeling and you are never going to get free. Just blame him, it's a lot easier than finding the real reason.