Take Me For What I Think I Am

2009-03-08T01:34:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about you a lot today, more than I have the past few weeks. It was silly of me to think that I could replace you easily. It's not a simple task and it is proving to be harder than I thought it would be. Even though you're still in my life, just a little bit, you're around. It makes me feel a lot better. Things may not be exactly as comfortable or good as they used to be but I like knowing that when I really need to hear from you, you'll answer me. You're always going to mean so much to me and I can only hope that I've meant as much to you. I'm only going to post this here because I know I'll be the only one to read and it's better that way.

2009-02-19T14:29:00.001-08:00

I cannot recall a time when I've missed someone so much. It's been over a week since we've spoken and I know something is missing. I haven't heard you comforting words, your pointless stories that and insignificant to me, your waking me with a "Good morning beautiful". I don't know when you'll be coming back to me and if you ever will be for that matter, so I have been forced to find things to occupy my time with. I can't sit by my phone all day because I know I won't hear from you. I've been sleeping a lot more, hoping to run away from things that way, but I'm only reminded of the fact you're not around when I wake up up without being contacted from you. I do more work now, put away my phone and computer and just work. But I'm finding it takes less time that I expect and am soon back to waiting to hear from you. I've been talking to others hoping maybe one will fill the void that you left, but they don't stick around, not like you did. You stuck around for everything, longer than anyone, but then you decided to up and leave like everyone I told you has.

I asked you to make me one promise when we decided to head on this adventure, and soon after the journey started you broke your promise. You didn't know on purpose, I know this, but it still hurt. I've forgiven you even though you haven't apologized. I want you back around even though you'll never really be here. I want you to be happy and for your life to be carefree no matter what. But I often wonder, what about me? When do I get to be happy and carefree? I am incredibly happy with my life but I only have myself to thank for that. I want to feel the happiness that comes from another. That's what I've been wanting for a while.

You will continue to be the person who makes me feel that happiness, not forever, but for a while. I'm not in love with you although it sounds as though I am. I'm happy that I have had the chance to have you in my life because I've realized so many things while you were around. I know you will come back for a different journey perhaps this time, that's all I want, you to be around.

For always being so shy

2008-10-02T08:36:00.001-07:00

I've been having trouble keeping my mouth shut.

I wish I remembered how to keep certain thoughts to myself which is currently something I seem incapable of doing. It is something I wish I could fix, maybe I'll just disconnect from the world. No cellphone, no computer, no human contact. That should about do it. I'll only be able to share my thoughts with myself then. Yeah, that sounds about right. No one needs to hear them except for myself anyway. That's the only person their hurting. If only they were normal thoughts and hurt the people I share them with, but they aren't. Apparently the only person they are out to get is me, which doesn't seem very fair, after all they are my thoughts. It isn't fair of them to hurt their creator, I mean without me they wouldn't even be here in the 1st place. Maybe the best idea is to stop creating thoughts. I'll go into a vegetative state like someone in a coma. But some people say that even if you're in a coma you brain is still partially active, and you still produce thoughts. So I guess I'm stuck thinking for now.

19 Days

2008-08-02T23:49:00.001-07:00

In a matter of 19 days my life will have a complete and massive change. A change of 790 miles, and a one hour time difference. A change of area and zip code. A change in every sense of the word.

In a matter of 19 days, I move.

Every night for the past week I've thought about moving and everything that will happen because of it. I'm not even gone yet and I can already feel things falling apart. I'm so excited to move and start a completely new life, where no one knows anything about me. But I'm so terrified to lose everything I've built up in the past four years. I know the things that are stronger enough will last far past the 4 years that I will be 790 miles away from home, but what about the things that are relatively new or the things that seem to be on the rocks.

I just wish I knew how to handle such a incredible change. I don't.

Vulnerability

2008-06-20T18:39:00.000-07:00

Being vulnerable and putting your mind and body in someone else's hands can be both a terrifying and liberating situation to put ones self in. You never know what the other person is capable of doing once they grab a hold of you. You have placed yourself and your emotions in their hands. You have given them your trust and now they can do as they please with it.

That is what can make it frightening or liberating. If the person betrays and abuses your trust, you can end up getting hurt. But if the person remains trust worthy you'll end up happy and with your heart intact. It is impossible to know how it will turn out.

Not knowing what the outcome could be is what makes deciding whether or not to expose yourself tough decision. Now if you do choose to do so, you have to prepare for the worst possible outcome. Make sure you are ready for the person you share with to take advantage of you at your weakest state. This is what I did not do. I exposed too much of my mind and body and the same was not done in return.

I cannot say I have learned my lesson though, I continue to do it countless times. I do it even though I know the outcome will remain the same time after time. It might be the hope that you might act differently this time. That you won't put your hands in your head and tell me I am "too much" and how you know I do these things on purpose. Maybe this time you'll push yourself to the same limits I have pushed myself too, that this time you'll make yourself vulnerable too.

Vulnerability sucks.

50/50

2008-06-15T22:14:00.000-07:00

For the past three months or so, since I decided I would attend college 12 hours away from home, I have been hesitant about leaving. I feared leaving so many people behind, people who I have look to on a daily basis for comfort and so much more. I've spent hours thinking about how much I am going to miss certain people. These people know I will miss, them and they say they will miss me as well. But in all honesty I don't think they will. It unsettles me to think about it. It makes me wonder how much of everything people say is true.

50% percent of what people say when they are "joking" is true. So is 50% of what people say when they are being "honest" a lie.

I'm glad to be leaving some of these people behind.

The Pit Of Despair

2008-06-09T13:11:00.000-07:00

I remember once in grammar school my english teacher showed us the movie "The Princess Bride". It tells the story of a farm girl and a farm boy Wesley. I always recall three things from this movie.

1. All Wesley would ever say to the farm girl was "As you wish"
2. "Hello My name in Ingio Montaya, you killed my father prepare to die."
3. And the Pit of Despair that Prince Humperdink throws Wesley into.

But The Pit Of Despair always makes me think of the nervous, happy sensation you get in your stomach. The sensation when you smile and the smile travels through your entire body and sends tiny little drivers off the diving board in your stomach. This is a feeling you don't experience all too often, but when you do you can't seem to decide if you enjoy it or not.

It starts off as a nauseous feeling, and you feel like you might vomit in your mouth. But then the nausea changes to this tingling feeling like when your foot falls asleep. You hate the feeling of your foot falling asleep but you don't mind it so much when it is traveling through your entire body. It makes you smile more than what gave you the feeling to begin with, maybe even giggle a little bit.

Now, since you don't get this feeling on a regular basis so you know when it happens there has to be a legitimate reason behind it even if you may not know it at the time. It's happened before when you talk to some you really like, or when you are about to tell someone something big. You don't know why this time, all he said was you were cute. Not a big deal, so why do you feel like this?

You've sat there for hours trying to figure out why and every time he something else it happens again. You also haven't stopped smiling for hours and your cheeks are starting to get a little sore, so you put on a frown and try not to look at him. It doesn't work though cause he says something cute and witty again, and the smile creeps back on to your face.

You're trapped in the feeling and you are never going to get free. Just blame him, it's a lot easier than finding the real reason.

2008-06-03T15:41:00.000-07:00

I have found that escaping ones past is totally and completely impossible. Situations, crushes, friends, everything comes back around, no matter how far you try to run from it. I've constantly been told to let go of past and look to the future, to better and brighter days. So I do let go, but I guess not fully because you are one person that always comes back to me.

There have been countless replacements but you always blow them right out of the water. Somewhere in my mind, there is pedestal and I seem to have placed you upon for all eternity. I have taken you down from it numerous times, but some how when I am not paying attention you seem to crawl back up on to it. You're the person I always seem to compare others to, but no one seems to be quite is good as you. You are the highest standard I have.

I can't take having you on this imaginary pedestal, so I have decided I am going to stop talking to you for while. I know this plan is never going to work because I have tried it too many times. Either I'll cave in minutes into deciding that I won't talk to you or I'll be going strong and not thinking about you. But you will begin to wonder why I haven't spoken to you in a week, you don't know it is because I deleted from my buddy list and cell phone and vowed I wouldn't contact you. Since you don't know this you IM me one night saying that you miss me or asking me if I'm upset with you.

I am upset with you, but for no legitimate reason, so I tell you I am not. And I miss you do, but I have recently trained myself never to let you know that. You make it impossible for me to let go and move on like everyone including you tells me to. You on the other hand have no problem replacing me and you do on a monthly basis.

I'm starting to get used to you having someone else in your life and that person not being me. Mainly because I know you will replace that person soon enough despite how serious you make the relationship sound. It is always the same thing, and it is becoming a routine for me and I like routine.

I guess that is exactly what our relationship is, a routine. You always come back around. It is impossible to escape you.

This Town Really Gets To Me.

2008-05-27T14:14:00.000-07:00

Not so much this town, but the Tri-State Area.

And a lot of the people who reside in the tri-state area, New Jersey to be more specific. I really don't know how to react to people's mood swings and attitude changes anymore. It is so frustrating not being able to understand the reason someone is the way they are. Waiting for people to come around requires much more patience than I have in my entire body, and I don't know how much longer I can wait for people to do so. If we are friends don't leaving me hanging, I'd like to be clued it from time to time for the reasons you at they way you do. I feel as it gets closer to me leaving for college the relationships I thought had become so close this year are falling apart. I wish that they could have at least waited till I was 12 hours away rather than 30 minutes to fall apart. I really wish I had the ability to let go of the relationships, and let certain people go, but it is so much harder that I could have ever imagined.

Deleting you from my buddy list, and ending all contact with you as of now.

Not because I hate you, because I don't want to keep you down anymore.

Gone in the Blink of an Eye

2008-05-20T14:03:00.001-07:00

Officially tomorrow is my last day of high school.

It is so cliche to say that high school is the best time of your life and it goes by in the blink of an eye. I won't say that high school has been the best time of my life, it sure has been amazing, but I'm sure it hasn't been the best. It has gone by in the in the blink of an eye though and this especially. I have met so many amazing people in these fours years and I have changed so much.

If you would have met me as a freshman in high school I would have not said a word to you and been content sitting in the corner keeping to myself. I am still not the most outgoing person, but I have broken out of myself and learned to be happy with myself the way I am at the moment.

I've meet people that have become so comfortable around in this year alone. I have become so close with them and am so terribly sad to have to leave them all so soon. I guess that is the way the world works as soon as you become comfortable it just goes and changes everything that is familiar.

Well in about 2 months I'll be gone to Chicago for the next four years, home for breaks.

Make an effort,

2008-04-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

It seems to me lately that people are not capable of putting effort into a relationship. And I don't mean a romantic relationship, just friendships. I'm sure romantic relationships too, but I wouldn't know that.

I just feel like people can only do things for themselves. I know I do it too, but I really to attempt to but effort into relationships even if I don't do it all the time. I gets so aggravating making attempts to be a good friend to someone but having them completely disregard everything you do and every attempt you make. I realize life gets complicated and stressful sometimes but I cannot consider that an excuse for someone disregarding a friend. Friends should be the ones you turn to, no? They are the people who are supposed to be there for you in these times, and I am here for my friends. I just feel like maybe they don't consider friends enough to talk to me.

It is becoming a waste of time just to make an attempt. Maybe I shouldn't make an attempt and wait for you. But then I know if I don't bother making an attempt in a week you will IM me and question why I've stopped talking to you. You'll think I am mad at you and ask me if I am, I just won't have to nerve to tell you how much it hurts me that you can't answer an IM or a text message.

I should probably stop stressing over it and just let the situation run it's course, but I don't know if I can do it.

At least the good people are amazing and completely make up for people who don't seem to care enough. They are the reason I can actually manage to stay happy and love my life as much as I do. I'm so completely thankful for them.

This has been

2008-04-08T18:23:00.000-07:00

nonexistent for a while, maybe it is time to start it up again.

This past month has been something else, lots of surprises. Things are changing and part of me loves it while the other part is so scared. I've moved from one person to the next then to the next again. This choice is pretty good, but the 1st one is good too. But there are so many choices and choices make everything harder in the end. I guess that is what growing up is all about making choices, I am so not ready for college.

You've got

2008-02-10T09:29:00.000-08:00

my head spinning heart beating out my chest.

So I haven't really posted anything here in a while, but I have so much going on in my head. It is mainly about one person & that is what is driving me out of my mind. There are a million things running through my mind at any moment of the day but for the past two weeks the millions of things are all about them. All the attempts I make to get them out of my thoughts fail. I don't even know what to do since everything fails.

I can't help but

2008-01-03T16:21:00.000-08:00

think that I might be setting myself up to be let down.

There is a part of me that is so worried that things will end up the way they always seem to. I guess I am just so used to things working out a certain way that I can't help but think it will be the same again. It is like it is too good to be true.

Then there is the other part of me that thinks after constant let down I really need this to happen. Ugh, I don't even know.

Coming to a Close

2007-12-31T12:33:00.000-08:00

As this year comes to a close, I am not sure exactly what to make of it.

So much has happened and even more has changed.

2007 didn't start off amazingly well. I mean my grandmother died that isn't really the best thing to start a new year with. It was tough for my family, but I guess we pulled through all right. After something like that I guess the year could only get better. I think that it made me want to take advantage of the things I had at my disposal and make more of life. Maybe not spend every night at home on the computer in my room.

I met incredible people this year in the most random of ways, I became closer with people I never thought I would. I am glad to say that I am very content with the people I have chosen to let into my life and those who I have let leave. Those who have left my life must not have belonged, I guess. I've had some fights with those who mean the most to me but these disagreements have merely made us stronger. My heart was broken once or twice, but I taped it up and glued it back together. It has a few dents now, but I'm okay with it.

I was lucky enough to experience amazing things with my bests. I spent a month in Boston working with incredible people from across the country. I went to insane shows and got to know some of my heros. I started my senior year of high school, planned a show at my school, and got into college.

I've learned great amounts about myself and what I am capable of, that was the greatest thing that happened this year.

As for 2008:
1. Stop being a nervous wreck.
2. Don't rely on others for everything.
3. Convince my parents to let me drive (without them in the car)
4. Find myself a prom date.
5. Possibly find a boyfriend as well.
6. Just be happy.

Oh & the best way to kick off the new year will be listening to Honesty Eyes' NEW SONG.
So different, but it is incredible.

myspace.com/honestyeyes

Check it out, they deserve so much.

I just hope you

2007-12-25T17:38:00.000-08:00

don't turn out like everyone else.

I don't need some to let me down again. I hope you're not going to end up a waste of time because it will just hurt me too much. That is really all that I expect this time, and not much else. I don't know maybe that is to much to ask of you. I don't want to feel like this only to find out you don't feel the same. I should probably just assume that you will be like every other one that way you can either meet or exceed my expectations.

I don't know, it is just because I like you.

Please don't turn out the same as everyone else I've liked.

I lost my Christmas cheer

2007-12-22T18:00:00.001-08:00

but that's okay we still have new years.

I am unfortunately not looking forward to this Christmas. I think I am just stressing out way to much, and being sick is really not helping. This time last week I was incredibly happy, I was moving on with my life. Somehow I ended up right where I started perviously, just with a different person this time. I don't really I know if I expected liking someone else to be any different. I think that I wanted it to be different this time, but I knew that I wouldn't be. I guess I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

It is the exact same thing.

Keeping real feelings to myself, butterflies in my stomach, always having them on my mind, constantly wondering if the feelings are mutual, or if it is a one way thing, worrying I am going to say the wrong thing and spill my heart.

I'd love to place the blame for these feelings on someone else but I just can't. It is my own fault, I make myself feel like this.I guess there is still a chance for things to change this time. I just need to find the courage within me, but who knows where that is anyway.

I fall in love far to quickly.

I planned out exactly

2007-12-15T08:55:00.000-08:00

what I was going to say when I came home from the show last night.

How it was like one of those scenes in a movie when someone goes to a show and stands in the crowd completely unaware of what is happening around them. Because, well, that was me at the beginning of last night. Luckily all of my expectations were surpassed. I think it is so funny how there are just certain people who can keep you smiling, especially when those people are complete strangers.

So I guess you can compare it to a scene in a movie, just not the same one I mentioned before.
The scene where everything become clear, and it all just falls into place.

I just read these

2007-12-11T16:21:00.000-08:00

seven paragraphs written by a 21 year old who had never been kissed.

It got me thinking that is is quite possible that I could be like that too, and that scares me terribly. Maybe there is something wrong with me or maybe its not the right time. All I know is that I don't want to end up alone for the rest of my life. Then again I am probably just being paranoid, I'm only 17 I have a while to grow up and experience the world I guess.

I'm just stressing myself out,
At least I am happy

I have to decide

2007-12-09T11:48:00.000-08:00

if I want to go to prom today.

I have no idea what to do, I wish someone could just make the choice for me and find me a date. This really shouldn't be such a hard decision for me to make but none of my friends are going.

Just pick for me please.

If only there was a way

2007-12-08T06:53:00.000-08:00

to put how happy I am into words.

Last night was incredible, all of my fears were proven wrong and it all worked out. There really isn't much more to say everyone was incredible, EVERYONE! And next time it is going to be even better, there is definitely going to be a next time.

All I really want to see

2007-12-04T16:33:00.000-08:00

right now is everyone happy, including myself.

Obviously you shouldn't be happy all the time but lately it seems like everyone is upset. I mean I am too, but I don't enjoy it at all. It be so much easier to go one day without seeing a bulletin on myspace saying how tough life is, or reading a about me that says how hard life is and that you can't make it through the day without being medicated. It'd be nice to see someone with an ounce of hope. I know that if I knew one person who changed and decided to have even the smallest bit of hope rather then looking for the bad in everything, I might find a reason to stop doing the same. I am trying my hardest to have faith there someone like that will enter my life. I won't go looking for them though.

Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Okay, it is a pretty amazing

2007-12-03T13:02:00.001-08:00

feeling to see something you only thought would happen in you dreams finally happen.

Putting so much hard work into this, taking so many risks and being rejected by my peers, it was all worth it to see this finally happen. Sure we have run into some major issues but we worked it all out. I am really content with the people who will be there minus a select few.

I just really wish some genuine people could be there to share in this event. That is what sucks about this there is one person who should be there but who isn't going to be there, and it really bothers me. I am still determined to make the best out of thes night even though not everything worked out as we originally planned.

Friday, December 7, 2007
6:00pm.

I honestly wonder how

2007-12-01T12:11:00.000-08:00

people can be so terrible.

After being such good friends with someone I just don't understand how you can be so mean and hostile to someone. You go through so much with people and then they just give up on you. How can you consider people like that friends. It is quite is a disappointment to see people I know act like that toward such good people. And it becomes even worse when you realize there isn't much you can do about it, you just have to sit back and let it happen.

I am happy to say I don't consider those people my friends.

Attending a Catholic

2007-11-28T14:06:00.000-08:00

school usually means that one takes religion class.

Freshman year - Catholic History.
Sophomore year - The Gospel
Junior year - Morality
Senior Year - Culture of Peace & World Religion.

Well the freshman class did not learn about the practices and history of the Catholic church today, instead they learned about something much more interesting. That would be a concert, well it was more like a talk about attractive boys. That was Nastassia's and my idea for convincing them to attend the show we planned. I don't think I have ever heard girls squeal so much. I guess that is what happens after a few months in an all girls school.

The best part by far was claiming our men.

Now for those juniors.

Today was okay, I think.
I need to find a place for us to go after the show.

fortune cookies are

2007-11-26T15:48:00.000-08:00

basically telling me everything I need to do with my life.

Thank god for ordering chinese food tonight.

"It's up to you to make the next move"
"You need to talk to someone about what's on your mind"

The first one is just way to true, I just wish I had the nerve to make a move. Sadly I don't have it in me. It be so much easier if you could just know how I feel without me ever having to say anything. I'm not really sure how to word my thoughts and my emotions. It is really complicated. At least I still have my friends and my family. I know they know what is in my heart, maybe you do too.

I hope so.

I have spent the

2007-11-24T18:24:00.000-08:00

last three days surrounded by about 10 amazing people.

Now I'm at home with basically no one.
Well I mean my aunt is here and my mom and dad are going to come home, but it isn't the same. I hung out with people who keep me laughing and smiling. They never let you be sad and that is why I love them so much. I'm not going to see them for so long though, at least there are a few other people I know who are the same way.

That still doesn't change the fact that I am currently at home in the office with no one to talk to and nothing to do. Being lonely is possibly the worst feeling ever, and I don't know how to change it, really. At least I have my computer and bed to keep me company.

Errrrr.

I can't stand reading

2007-11-18T18:58:00.000-08:00

these bulletins on myspace.

if he likes you.

1. he will sit by you whenever he can

2. he always takes things from you and hides them

3. he makes eye contact as much as possible

4. he messes with your hair

5. he laughs at you just to see you smile and tell him to shut up!

6. he asks about your day

7. When the two of you have play fights, he always agrues, no matter what

8. he sneaks up on you

9. his friends ask if youre going out yet

10. ..he tells you he loves you, and really means it

if she likes you:

1. she will wait for you.

2. she says hi to you EVERYTIME she sees you.

3. she SMILES whenever she sees you.

4. she walks as slow as she can when shes WITH you.

5. she plays with YOUR HANDS just to see if you'll let her hold them.

6. she teases you about stupid things.

7. she ASKS you to go places with her.

8. her friends ask you if you like her.

9. her friends point at you when youre with her.

10. she always "just happens" to be staring.

'11. she CAN'T CONCENTRATE on anything else except the next time she'll get to see you.

12. her HEART BEATS FASTER than normal at just the thought of your name.

13. her friends dont understand why she's attracted to you, but she cant think of ANY REASON why she WOULDNT be attracted.

14. she purposely says shes cold just to see if youll hug her or hold her.

15...and when you do... SHE WISHES YOU'D NEVER LET GO.

They really bother me alot.
I want to repost them so badly because I really fear that if I don't than I'm screwed for life.

Ugh, I really wish I was in a better mood right now.
This sucks cause no one can cheer me up.

This is way too good

2007-11-12T14:13:00.000-08:00

to be true.
I absolutely love my life & the way everything seems to fall into place when you expect it all to fall apart.

That is the most beautiful thing about life I think, how everything can be so randomly amazing.

But these four events are going to be the highlights of the next two months.

Nov 21st - Valencia @ Irving
Dec 8th - Fundrasier @ My School.
Dec 27th - Valencia @ The Troc
Dec 28th - Valencia @ SOR

Yah, maybe it is a little out of hand but that is fine with me.

I'm an over analyzer

2007-11-10T18:19:00.000-08:00

& it is getting out of hand.

I really can't be left alone in my own thoughts, cause they really get out of hand at time. I can spend hours thinking about something. I think so hard about little things that my opinion about it changes constantly. And I can probably come up with a thousand reasons supporting each thought but I could never convince of it. That made complete sense to me but probably made none to anyone else who is reading this, which is probably no one because I don't think many people care all that much about what I have to say.

The worst is when I do it about him. He doesn't even know I do either.
I could spend hours debating and giving myself reasons for him not to like me but I can never seem to come up with a reason for him to like me. It disappoints me alot actually. I really need to work on that. I really shouldn't assume anything about it becasue I can't read his mind. I don't know what he is thinking. I can't assume that he likes or that he doesn't. I just need to convince myself that I need to focus about how I feel about him not how he feels.

That was a long rant full of over analyzing, but that's nothing new.

I'm very lucky to

2007-11-09T20:18:00.000-08:00

know some very good people, who honestly care.

I really am.
I have amazing friends who really care about me & I'm not sure why but I am really glad I have them in my life.

Tonight was really good, I went out to dinner with Sophia and then we went to the Knitting Factory to see Luis. He was really amazing. One talented guy, plus he is really funny. Family Force 5 was pretty intense, I've never seen a crowd go so crazy.
But everyone should check out The Secret Handshake, www.myspace.com/thesecrethanshake .

I feels really odd

2007-11-07T17:38:00.000-08:00

not talking to him.

I hate it so much. I basically talk to him everyday and then I don't know.
I don't really like it very much.

I'm not sure what is

2007-11-04T16:03:00.000-08:00

wrong.

I feel so drained lately.

Physically
Emotionally

I don't feel like even leaving the house anymore.
I feel like there is just no reason for me to get up and go out.

Honestly there is no reason for this, I mean have nothing to complain about at all. Life is good, great actually, so why do I feel like this all the time.

& last night didn't help.
I expected so much more of the night.
Maybe it wasn't the night that I expected more of maybe it was a person who was there.
I'm not sure, but it was a bit of a let down.

I don't know what to do with myself.

It's been a

2007-10-29T14:19:00.000-07:00

week, but I can't recall what happened this past week.

I know that it was full of unimportant and wasted days.

But right now, I am trying to figure out how it is that people can't take hints. I really don't like being mean but you would think that if someone doesn't answer your messages or texts that you would get that they don't want to talk to you. I was obviously wrong in thinking this. I don't know what else to do about it, considering that I am not a big fan of confrontation. I don't do well with it.

I also can't stop thinking about how badly I wish I didn't like him, because well frankly I know nothing will ever happen so I might as well just move on. Right?

I keep listening to the new Valencia song which is amazing, and I am starting to feel okay with all the fame they are going to get from Tourzilla. They deserve it.

"Take our time maybe we'll grow up but you'll learn from what you've done.
You might believe in what you see but no, it never made sense to me."

Today has been too

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long of a day and it isn't even over.

Today I came to a few conclusions.

1. I am never ever going to have a boyfriend, ever. At least not one that I genuinely like because the people I fall for never like me back. It is possible that I am deformed in some way and that is what is stopping anything from ever happening. Maybe it is because my parents keep me so sheltered, I am pretty much home everyday of my life.

2. I cannot stand the people in my school, they really don't understand some things.

Okay I'm done.
& I'm in a bad mood.

I'm kinda confused

2007-10-15T19:19:00.001-07:00

by people right now.

I don't understand why people complain about things that they can change. It is one thing to complain about something that is out of your control but I don't think you should really complain about stuff that you have the ablility to change. It just seems so odd to me to spend your time talking about how miserable you are, or how much you hate something when you can go and change it.

I don't know if I have the right to say this because I do it all the time.
But I honestly am trying to change, but it is kind of hard.

But anyway, I think that everyone should go listen to this band The Riverwinds.
I saw them on Friday in Red Bank and they were really awesome.

www.myspace.com/theriverwinds.

There is a small

2007-10-14T18:26:00.000-07:00

chance that I might like him again.

Liking him wasn't really a big, it was a silly little crush I got over in like a month. Maybe even less then a month. But we've been talking lately and I think I might have fallen again. I don't know how to feel about it. I don't know if it is good or bad or anything. It is just really confusing to like him.

I know I swore I wasn't gonna like people anymore but I guess it is something you can't control. It just kinda happens and you never know when it is gonna happen which to be honest sucks.

For now I am just gonna be happy about.
I'll save the tears for later.

Last night was

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a real disappointment.

I went to Red Bank to see Honesty Eyes at some internet cafe but not all went as planned. We got stuck in traffic for over two hours and got to the show late. Then Honesty Eyes didn't cme because their van broke down. The show was kinda of boring and it almost got shut down because some idiots decided to start a mosh pit. The only decent part was Lady Radiators set and the half a pizza and cinnamon sticks from dominos on the way home.

Seriously the best laid plans always go off track.

I'm done

2007-10-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

with liking guys.

I am 100% over it. Nothing good has ever come out of me liking a guy. I spend days and nights obsessing over him & I overanalyze everything. I stress myself and drive myself to a breaking point, it really cant be good. I wish it just didn't take someone making me feel terrible to make me realize this all. I really wish I didn't want to breakdown & cry right now. I am trying to keep myself composed and I am finding it terribly hard.

I want a guy that is good for me and keeps me happy, but I am not going to look for this boy.

He can come find me whenever he is ready.
I'll be waiting.

I have a new view

2007-10-08T09:45:00.000-07:00

on life.

I am starting to think that life is only as good as you make it. That people control their lifes 100%. If you don't like something in your life you can change it. I no longer feel sympathy for those who complain about how much their life sucks because they could be doing something about it. Instead they sit around in their houses and post bulletins about how crappy thier friends are or about how they hate everything. If you hate it that much than do something to change it don't sit around and complain. I know I used to be like that but I realize now that is does absolutely no good, you can actually make a difference if you do something.

So I intend on making life as good as I possibly can & I think you should do the same.

On a sadder note, I really wish I had a boy in my life.
=/

Everything is

2007-10-03T13:24:00.000-07:00

falling into place.

Friendships are mended and ideas have been confrimed, and let me tell you it feels amazing. Incase you haven't heard Nastassia and I are planning a concert at our school, and to my surprise alot of people are behind. I mean my school is really conservative so I am shocked that they are allowing this.

This really changes my mind about life. Things you only thought would come true in your dreams can be made into reality. You really do control your own life. But anyway this concert is going to be awesome once everything gets worked out!

Off Broadway
Honesty Eyes
Set In Silence
& Van Atta High.

"Be that change you want to see in the world"

Everytime I start

2007-10-01T14:47:00.000-07:00

one of these blogs I give up in about two days, but I really want to try this again

I don't keep a journal but I need somewhere to say what I feel.

This past week everything seems to have been going downhill & I honestly can't handle it. Friendships and everything I thought was true is being called into question. Never in my life have I had to deal with something quite like this. It is taking quite a toll on me. My emotions are out of control. I'm getting really touchy about things that never really bothered me before. I don't like this at all, maybe I need a break. Maybe I just need to get away from the familiar. But, I don't wanna do that because I fear what I will miss while I am gone.

I hate times like these.
I wish I had someone to help me through these things.